Misadventures
by Chibi One-san
Summary: Random adventures Cortex goes on all the while dragging his assistant, N. Gin, along. I have no idea how long this will go on for... also teen mainly for N. Gin's bad language and I do not own Crash Bandicoot
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE: CORTEX'S NINJA ADVENTURE WITH HOT CHICK... PLUS THAT GUY

N. Gin looks at the 'chapter title' Cortex wrote on his memo, "I hope you're planning to shorten these memo titles in the future. Also, why did you call me that guy?"

"Because you're ugly and no one cares about you" Cortex tells him.

"Says the guy who broke every mirror in the castle with just one glance"

"What was that?"

"Nothing" N. Gin sighs, "can we get this over with?"

N. Gin follows Cortex out the castle and to a forest path. Cortex takes out a scroll and holds it in front of N. Gin. His assistant didn't seem al that interested.

"Do you know what we're going to do today?" Cortex asks.

"Ignoring your memo, not really but I'm sure you're going to tell me anyway" N. Gin says.

"Today you and I shall be ninjas"

N. Gin tries to act interested, "ninjas?"

"Yes, we shall... why aren't you in costume? You look so... ordinary"

N. Gin looks at Cortex's outfit, "if you call having a missel sticking out of your head ordinary. On top of that, you look stupid. Have you been reading Naruto again?"

"Maybe... that's besides the point. As ninjas we're going to complete an escort mission as a team like in that manga... I didn't read"

"Well I guess this is better than getting beaten up by Crash. In fact anything is better than fight Crash but didn't your memo imply there would be three of us?"

"That's why I'm here!"

A blonde hair young woman jumps out of a tree and lands on N. Gin's back. She had a sticker on her top saying 'hello y name is Hot Babe'.

"I love Cortex" she says.

"How much did he pay you to say that?" N. Gin asks, trying to ignore the pain in his back.

"who said that?" she looks around.

"Down here, under your boots. Could you do me a favor and get off me?"

"Oh, sorry" she jumps off him, "and as for your question more than you make in a month"

"Kids make more pocket money than I do in a week. Anyway, we're getting off topic here" N. Gin gets back up onto his feet, "Cortex, we're scientists NOT ninjas"

"We're going to be ninjas today and that is final. Our mission is to escort this bridge builder to the construction site where he will finish building the bridge" Cortex tells him.

"What bridge builder?" N. Gin asks as he looks around for the guy.

"I think he means the guy taking a piss behind that tree" Hot Bade says.

"Oh... lovely"

The bridge builder walked up to the three. He has a label that says 'Guy'.

"Does everyone have a stupid name tag, besides you and I that is" N. Gin asks.

"Your right, one moment" Cortex says.

Cortex puts a name sticker on his and N. Gin's top/

N. Gin has a look at Cortex's label, "Sexy Neo... Really?"

"Why not Ugly Virgin" Cortex says.

"Ugly virgin?"

Hot Babe looks at N. Gin's label, "that;s what it says on your name tag"

"Why do I get the feeling this virgin thing is going to turn into a running gag" N. Gin sighs.

"Come on kiddies, I've got a bridge to build" Guy says.

"KIDDIES?! We're NOT children, she clearly has... wait are you drunk? Maybe losing him in the woods will be easier than I thought" N. Gin says.

"We're not losing anyone, I need the money" Cortex says.

"So your finally going to pay me?"

"No I need the cash to buy that big shiny robot with the laser guns. Besides if I did pay you, you'd only quit"

N. Gin glares at Cortex, even if he is right about him quiting. Hot Bade wondered why N. Gin was even working for Cortex in the first place.

"Come on, that ferris wheel won't build itself" Guy says.

"I thought you were building a bridge" N. Gin says.

"This is going to take a while, isn;t it?" Hot Babe asks.

"Yes, yes it is" N. Gin says.

Cortex leads the way, followed by Guy then N. Gin and Hot Babe.

They had been walking for sometime when two ninjas jumped them.

"What do you guys want?" N. Gin asks.

"We want to kill the bridge builder, ugly virgin" Ninja one says.

"Cortex, can I take this stupid name tag off?" N. Gin asks.

"No, you didn't say the magic word" Cortex says.

"Let me take it off or I'll let those guys beat you black and blue"

"That isn't the magic word" Cortex turns to the two ninjas, ignoring N. Gin's threats as Hot Babe holds him back, "why? Did he do something to annoy you or are you trying to stop him from making life better for others?"

"Why are we, people who are labeled as villans, helping him?" N. Gin asks.

"We need cash" Cortex tells him.

"He owes us money" Ninja two says.

"So we shall kill him unless you can beat us" Ninja one says.

"Cortex owes me money, you don't see me trying to kill him. Besides, given our track record of zero wins this will not end well" N. Gin says.

"Leave this to me virgin" Hot Babe says.

"My name's N. Gin!"

"At least she didn't call you ugly" Cortex says.

Hot Babe proceeds to beat the two ninjas to an inch within their lives.

"Beaten... by a... girl" Ninja one says.

"How... humiliating" Ninja two says.

"I bet is it but then again I wouldn't know what that was like now would I N. Gin, I mean ugly virgin" Cortex says.

N. Gin glares at Cortex.

They left the two ninjas where they lay. That night they stopped at a clearing.

"Our first night as ninjas on out first, if not only, mission. I say we sleep out under the stars" Cortex announces.

"I say we steal their wallets and stay in that inn tonight" N. Gin says.

"Do you think we'll have enough for bed and breakfast?" Hot Babe asks.

"Bed, yes, breakfast probably not"

"Your right" she holds Guy and Cortex's wallets, "anythings better than sleeping near them"

"At least you don't have to live with Cortex"

"Why do you live with him?"

"I'm broke"

The next day the four boarded a boat to the construction site. Cortex kept a 'close' eye on Guy while N. Gin stayed as far away from Cortex as did Hot Babe.

"What is your name? It can't be Hot Babe, right?" N. Gin asks.

"No, it's not Hot Babe. My name's Holy"

"Holy? At least you have a normal sounding name unlike those I know"

"So what does the N in your name stand for?"

"Well it stands for..."

"N. Gin, Guy just threw up" Cortex says.

"I'm a scientist NOT a janitor or a ninja for that matter! Clean it up yourself!" N. Gin snaps.

"A what?"

"Did he understand anything you just said?" Holy asks.

"He thinks the dictionary is the holy bible... maybe I shouldn't have thrown it at him. Didn't think it would hit him that hard" N. Gin says.

"I understand Cortex so much more... wish I didn't"

"You and everyone else"

"He threw up again" Cortex says.

"Please say we're almost there" N. Gin pleas,

"We have another six hours to go" Holy tells him.

"Six hours! Hey Guy, you have any booze left?"

"And now he;s going to get drunk"

Six hours later they arrived at the construction site.

Cortex got his pay cheque which he used to buy the robot he wanted. It was destroyed by Crash Bandicoot in record time.

Holy became a full fledge ninja, for the time being. People still call her Hot babe.

N. Gin passed out three hours before they arrived at the construction site. N. Tropy picked him up an hour after they finished their mission. He is recovering from a hang over.

"Someone kill me" N. Gin groans.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO: COFFEE ABD BOARD GAMES

Tropy was polishing his clocks and enjoying the peace and quiet that comes from Cortex discovering video games and N. Gin recovering from a hang over. Unfortunately, his peace and quiet soon came to an end.

N. Gin runs into Tropy's clock room holding an open bag of coffee beans shortly followed by Cortex. Cortex corners N. Gin in an attempt to grab the bag off him only to be stopped by N. Gin's foot.

"I demand you give me that bag of coffee!" Cortex yells.

"No! You've had too much already!" N. Gin replies.

"I'll pay you"

"With what, monopoly money again? It didn't work the first time and it won't work a second! Why do you need this much coffee anyway?"

"It will help me become a woman"

"A wha... that makes no sense, are you drunk? Nether mind, if you want to be a woman that badly I'll be more than happy to help"

"May I remind you anyone who sees Neo's naked body goes blind" Tropy says.

"Oh yeah, I fell sorry for anyone who played the last titans game. Good thing he was still wearing something, too forever to get the dye out of my hair and it'll take even longer to repair whatever's left of my reputation" N. Gin says.

"GIMME!" Cortex demands.

"I SAID NO!"

"UGLY!"

"BIG HEADED FREAK!"

"VIRGIN!"

"DICK!"

Tropy sighs, "I fell like I'm babysitting children"

"UGLY BRITISH VIRGIN!" Cortex yells.

"You already called me ugly and a virgin... and who said I was British?" N. Gin asks.

"FINE... your English"

"STOP MAKING SHIT UP!"

Tropy pulls Cortex and N. Gin apart, "would you two stop acting like children. Cortex, weren't you playing one of your video games?"

"The consol broke, we ran out of booze and now I'm board" Cortex tells him.

"So coffee and changing your gender was the answer..." Tropy sighs, "well why don't the three of us play a board game?"

"What game? I'm pretty sure Tiny's eaten most of them" N. Gin says.

"How about monopoly?" Tropy suggests.

"Monopoly, I'm good at that" Cortex runs off to retrieve the box.

"You had to pick a board game with no real ending" N. Gin says.

Cortex returns with the box and begins to set up the game. N. Gin has a look at the game pieces.

"I don't remember the dog having a missel shoved up its ass... what is up with these pieces?" N. Gin asks.

"I have no answer for the dog but it appears Cortex just threw in some random pieces to replace the ones that are missing" Tropy tells him.

"That explains the chess pawn, what else is there. A gun and Miss Scarlet from Cluedo... a plastic battleship... and... is that a human eye?"

"That's what it appears to be"

"I GET MISS SCARLET!" Cortex grabs his piece, "N. Gin, why don't you be the dog?"

"I'll be the battleship" N. Gin picks it up and places it on the board.

Tropy choses the chess pawn and makes a mental note to get rid of the eye ball when Cortex isn't looking. To save time, Cortex decided they should be allowed to buy properties as soon as the game begins rather than wait until they have been round the board once.

Two hours in and N. Gin owed Old Kent Road and Whitechapel Road whilst the remainder of the board is divided between Cortex and Tropy. N. Gin picks up the dice.

"I wonder who's property you'll land on" Cortex says.

"You and Tropy own the board minus the two I have and, on top of that, you have hotels on all of your properties. It doesn't matter where I land... stop gloating, your smile is creepy" N. Gin says.

N. Gin lands on one of Cortex's properties. Lacking in funds he has no choice but to declare bankruptcy and hand over his only two properties to Cortex.

"Oh look your broke, just like in real life" Cortex says.

"At least I don't have to play anymore" N. Gin gets up, "have fun without me"

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" Cortex asks.

"To do some work! And hide the coffee"

N. Gin returns later that night to find Cortex and Tropy are still playing.

"I told you it was a bad idea to play a game with no real ending" N. Gin says.

"We're not stopping until one of us wins and that winner shall be me!" Cortex announces.

"Fool, it is I who shall be triumphant!" Tropy announces.

N. Gin picks up a toaster and drops it onto the board, "a meteor in the shape of an everyday toaster fell from the sky and killed everyone. Now count your crash and property values to find out who won. I'm going to bed"

The next morning N. Gin finds Cortex and Tropy where he left them. He was wondering whether to bother them or not. He was also wanted to know why Tropy had a toaster in his clock room and if he could get away with putting tooth paste in Tropy's clocks with him in the room.

"It ended in a draw" Cortex says, startling N. Gin slightly.

"I don't care" N. Gin says.

"We need a rematch which means you have to play with us again" Cortex tells N. Gin.

"Not going to happen"

"And neither is your childish prank" Tropy says.

"I'm going back to work" N. Gin says.

"I thought as much"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE: [INSERT TITLE HERE]

One stormy and miserable day, in the designated break room where Brio is reading a newspaper and N. Gin is looking at a carton of milk.

"Hey Brio, what will kill me faster, drinking expired milk or smoking expired cigarettes?" N. Gin asks.

"Neither, expired milk will only make you ill as for cigarettes they have no expiration date and even so you will have to smoke a lot of them until your lungs gave up. Did you remember to take your medication this morning?" Brio asks.

"Considering I haven't tried to murder Cortex in cold blood yet, yes I did"

"Then why are you trying to kill yourself?"

"I got another memo from Cortex"

"That explains in but isn't it your day off?"

"What's a day off?"

"I knew I should have kept a closer eye on N. Gin after his accident, good thing he's not completely brain dead"

"Yes, good thing and he is right here"

Cortex arrives holding a kite and umbrella. He places them on the table then pulls out a key and some string, placing them beside the kite.

"I know I'm going to regret asking this but Cortex what is this memo about?" N. Gin asks.

"I am so glad you asked, today we are going out into the storm and see if we can attract lightning with this kite and key! And by we I mean you" Cortex says.

"Okay one I'm adding overtime onto the large bill you already owe me and two I'm sure that's already been done"

"Really, who?"

"Benjamin Franklin in about June 15 1752 using the same method to prove lightning is electricity"

"Well... then... we'll call this a reenactment and by we I still mean you"

"Oh joy, I cannot wait"

"That's the spirit, onward for science!"

"I was being sarcastic!"

One hour later...

N. Gin is soaking wet from standing in the rain waiting for lightning to hit the key attached to the kite while Cortex is mostly bone dry thanks to his umbrella.

"Can we go back inside now? There's no lightning storm, its just a normal storm and I don't like pneumonia" N. Gin says.

"Not until someone gets hit by lightning!" Cortex snaps.

At that moment Cortex is struck by lightning..

"That'll work... doubt asking for cash to hit me will work" N. Gin sighs.

He heads inside, making a mental note to poke Cortex with a stick if he is still out there once the rain has stopped. He left the kite outside before he went in.

"How was the 'experiment'?" Brio asks.

"Cortex got struck by lightning so I'm going to poke him with a stick later. Also I've caught a cold and I think we should do an IQ test on Cortex later. I want to see if he has lost any IQ from the lightning " N. Gin says.

"What are you going to do now? Besides keeping that cold to yourself" Brio says.

"Well I was thinking of giving you my cold anyway and maybe do some work... or prank Tropy again... yeah that's pretty much the same thing"

"Speaking of pranking Tropy, I assume it was you Tropy was looking for earlier. Something about tooth paste in his clocks"

"I'm taking the rest of the day off"

"I thought you said you didn't know what a day off was"

"I was joking. Tell Cortex I'll see him when Tropy has forgotten about the tooth paste"


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR: ONCE UPON A TIME

Whilst exploring her uncle's castle, Nina discovered an attic. There she finds a strange book entitled your fairy tail. Curious, she opens the book to see what is written inside.

"Once upon a time..." she flips through the pages and closes the book, "there's nother else written in it, what a waste of time" she closes the book and turns it over to read the back, "with this book in your, speak your desired fairy tail using any characters you wish, be they real or be they made up. This book will write all you speak and all shall be returned to as it was once your tail has come to an end. Interesting, this could be fun" she opens the book up once more, "once upon a time, there lived a cross-dressing prince named..."

Nina pauses a moment to ponder who will be her first victim. A smile appears on her face when she made her decision.

Meanwhile, in the break room...

N. Gin is attempting to fix the coffee maker whilst Tropy watches him with great interest.

"I am telling you, you are wasting your time. Even if you do fix it the dam thing will only break again" Tropy tells N. Gin.

"And I'm telling you I can too fix the dam coffee maker besides Cortex refuses to buy a new one" N. Gin tells him.

"I bet you £10 you cannot successfully repair the coffee maker"

"Coffee and a tenner just from fixing it... your on"

N. Gin spends only a few minutes on the coffee maker and is successful at fixing it. Tropy is a little upset at being proven wrong but before N. Gin can say I told you so he disappears.

Unaware of what has happened, N. Gin turns round and says, "see I told you I could... fix... it... okay, where am I?" he looks around what appears to be a courtyard with a castle behind him.

"Your in my fairy tail and you can't leave until I say so. Also you might want to..." Nina snickers, "look at what your wearing" she bursts out laughing.

"What I'm..." he has a quick look at his outfit, "a pink dress, really?"

"What, it suits you but not as much as the ballet dress"

"One time, I wore it one time"

"Twice"

"TWICE?!"

"You may have been drunk the second time. Now where was I... oh yes, that's right. Once upon a time there lived a cross-dressing prince named N. Gin and an ugly princess named Coco"

Coco appears beside N. Gin in a blue dress.

"N. Gin? What have you done?" Coco asks.

"Me, nothing. This is all Nina's doing and welcome to hell. You are free to not enjoy your time here" N. Gin tells her.

"Nina set us free right now... never thought I'd be trying to help you of all people"

N. Gin merely shrugs his shoulders.

"Quiet you two! Princess N. Gin..." Nina says.

"I thought I was a cross-dressing prince... in your story I mean... I DON'T CROSS DRESS!" N. Gin says.

"I changed my mind, don't worry your gender won't change. Princess N. Gin and Princess Coco lived in a small kingdom with their father... Um... King Tropy and their mother Queen Brio"

Just as before Tropy and Brio appear wearing the appropriate outfits.

"Hi Tropy, Brio, welcome to hell" Coco says.

"That's my line and Tropy you owe me £10 when we get out of here" N. Gin says.

"And that will be when?" Tropy asks.

"Whenever Nina decides to end this" N. Gin tells him.

"I kinda see why you like wearing dresses N. Gin" Brio says.

"I DO NOT LIKE WEARING DRESSES!" N. Gin snaps.

Nina ignores the four and continues with her fairy tail, "the fair kingdom was guarded by two brave knights, Sir Crash and Sir Cortex"

"Hey Cortex, hey big brother..." Coco says.

"Welcome to hell, exits are to your nowhere as there are none" N. Gin says, interrupting her.

"You had to interrupt me, didn't you"

"Says the bandicoot who is obsessed with butter. It's seriously not a healthy thing to be obsessed with"

"Look Coco, I'm a knight and I have a sword!" Crash says happily.

"Then again being around Crash isn't very healthy either, especially now he has a weapon" N. Gin says.

"OW MY BUTT!" Cortex cries as Crash pokes him with his sword.

"One day, when Crash and Cortex were sparring" Nina says as Crash continues to poke Cortex with his sword, "a terrifying blue dragon known as Ripper Roo attacked the castle"

"Not Ripper Roo!" Cortex says.

"Could be worse, Nina could have chosen Papu Papu" N. Gin says.

"Yeah, his farts are the worst, especially after you've dared him to eat beans for the whole day" Crash says.

"That's not what I meant... wait, that was you? I thought that was Cortex's doing"

"Sir Crash and Sir Cortex tried to defeat the dragon but he proved to be too strong. The dragon picked the knights up up, blew fire on them then threw them far away" Nina says.

Ripper Roo, oddly enough, follows Nina's instructions perfectly. As Crash and Cortex disappear into the distance N. Gin, Coco, Tropy and Brio could hear their screams.

"I'M ALLERGIC TO PAIN!" Cortex cries.

"MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!" Crash yells.

"Better them than me" N. Gin says.

"Do you even care?" Brio asks.

"Nope"

"Not even a little?" Coco asks.

"Not even a little" N. Gin replies.

"I think Brio and Coco are referring to being left with Ripper Roo and his new dragon powers, NOT of Crash and Cortex" Tropy says.

"Oh... that I do care about" N. Gin says, "you!" he points at Ripper Roo, "come near me and I will rain loads of doom on you!"

"And this will help us how?"

"Yeah, what were you planning on using in this 'rain loads of doom on you' plan?" Coco asks.

"Well... you see... I... I haven't thought that far ahead yet! Couldn't you have both kept your big mouths shut?!" N. Gin snaps, "how about you come up with a good idea then"

Coco watches N. Gin and Tropy argue then looks at Brio who is twirling around on the spot.

"Three scientist and none of them know how to get out, we're doomed" Coco cries.

"The best thing to do right now is allow Nina to continue the story. If you will" Tropy says.

"With their best, or rather only knights gone the kingdom was doomed to fall. Fortunately before the dragon sized the kingdom King Tropy was able to sneak his eldest daughter out with a map to a magic sword that can slay the beast" Nina says.

Tropy hands N. Gin the map that appeared in his hand.

"You heard Nina, now leave" Tropy says.

"You heard Nina now leave" N. Gin says in a childish manor as he leaves.

"Don't be so childish!" Tropy snaps.

"Don't be so childish" N. Gin says childishly as he takes a peek at the map.

"STOP REPEATING ME!" Tropy yells.

"Now Tropy, just ignore him" Coco says in a attempt to calm him down.

"Look at me, I'm Coco, I'm sooo pretty. Oh no Crash, I got kidnapped 'cause I cannot defend myself without Pura's help and we need more butter" N. Gin says in a mocking voice.

"I AM SO GONNA KICK HIS ASS AGAIN!" Coco yells.

Tropy holds Coco back as N. Gin legs it, well as fast as he can in a dress.

"Princess N. Gin traveled far from home and found Sir Crash and Sir Cortex stuck up a tree" Nina says.

"Of course I did" N. Gin sighs when he sees them.

"Oh and they fall out of the tree and land on top of you, N. Gin"

"Wait, what?" N. Gin says as Crash and Cortex fall and land beside him, "that was lucky"

"I said on top not beside! Just give them the map"

N. Gin hands Crash the map, "get the sword so we can end this already"

Crash gets off Cortex and has a look at the map. N. Gin sighs and turns the map right way round and right way up.

"It's not far from here... I think... this way!" Crash leads the way.

"Oh joy, this will be fun" N. Gin says sarcastically as he follows Crash.

"Wait for me!" Cortex yells.

"After getting lost several times from Crash's lack of directional knowledge the finally find the power crystal sword" Nina says.

"It's a power crystal... IT'S MINE!" Cortex lunges at it.

"NOOO, IT'S MINE!" Crash follows suit and starts to fight Cortex for it.

"I'm getting flash backs, all of them are pain related" N. Gin says.

"I'm sure it does... Anyway, the sword choses Crash because... well my uncle will no doubt try to take over a world that only exist in a book, a strange magical one at that. The group made their way back to the castle... eventually" Nina says.

"And we only got lost once!" Crash says proudly.

"I knew we shouldn't have trusted the monkey" Cortex says.

"They why'd you ask it for directions?" N. Gin asks.

"Because it was there" Crash says,

N. Gin face palms, "ow, I hit myself too hard"

"With sword in hand and his 'friends' by his side Sir Crash went t face the dragon. Oh but fate is cruel as the dragon breathes fire on the... well not so fair Princess N. Gin, 'killing' her" Nina says and Ripper Roo does just that.

"HA! You so deserved!" Coco laughs.

"NOOO, N. Gin is dead!" Crash cries.

"No I'm not, I just have first-degree burns, which is strange considering what just happened but I'm not going to complain" N. Gin says.

"Devastated, Crash defeats the dragon and frees the land but alias this does not bring Princess N. Gin back so Sir Crash decides to kiss her to try and bring her back to life" Nina says.

"First off, I am NOT dead!" N. Gin yells as he keeps Crash at arms length, "secondly there is no way that would bring me back from the dead if I were dead!"

"You don't want Crash to kiss you, do you?" Nina asks.

"NO I DON'T!"

"Fine, instead of bringing Princess N. Gin back with a kiss, King Tropy used his time powers to bring you back and they all lived happily ever after, the end"

They were all teleported out of the book and into the attic, all back in their original outfits and, in Ripper Roo's case, form. The title of the book changes to the Blue Dragon by Nina Cortex.

"What a lame title" Nina puts the book away.

Everyone, excluding Ripper Roo, made their way out of the attic.

"Tropy, you still owe me" N. Gin says.

"I know" Tropy sighs.

"Let's never do that again" Cortex says.

"Agreed" Nina says.

"Come on Crash, let's go home" Coco says.

"Exit is this way" Crash says.

"That's a closet" N. Gin says.

Ripper Roo is left starring at a book similar to the one Nina found. One may think he would try and do what Nina had earlier as he somehow manages to get himself up onto his paws. Instead he jumps out of the attic and lands on Brio.

Before leaving, Coco fought and defeated N. Gin. The 'epic battle' lasted a mere two seconds thanks to a baseball bat Coco found lying around. N. Gin has not only learnt his lesson of why he shouldn't make fun of Coco he is currently recovering from another headache.


End file.
